FORTY-ONE
Lindsay and I were sitting together but I couldn’t talk to her. I don’t know what to say and where to start. I didn’t expect to meet her today. We haven’t seen each other for eight years and during those eight years, I carried her anger toward me and guilt for what happened. The reason why I can’t move forward.
She took something from her pocket. She stood up and then went to my son’s tombstone. She caressed it and kissed whatever she picked up and then placed it. I saw a toy car. When she returned to the chair I still couldn’t speak.
I can’t stand her. Not because of the thought that I still love her because I know I’m not—-anymore. But because I don’t know what’s running on her mind. Yes, I can’t feel any love for her right now, unlike before.
“How are you?” She broke the silence. I couldn’t even answer her question about how I was because I was afraid of what she might say. “I heard you married Lauren Del Fuego, the model.”
“Yeah.” I heard her deep breath. I don’t know what she looks like because I can’t look at her. I don’t even know why she is here and what we are talking about. “Y-you, h-how are you?”
“I have a husband and two children, the first is a boy and the second is a girl. Carlo stayed with me, she followed me when I got back to the province and we got married there.” Carlo is our driver who is her boyfriend.
“I-it’s good. He really loves you.”
“Hmm, I’m very lucky with him. He accepted me and what happened.”
Again I couldn’t answer her because I didn’t know what to say.
“I forgive you, Dale.” I automatically looked at her. She was looking at my son’s grave with an emotionless face. “I forgive you for what you did to me. I hope you have forgiven me for what I did to your son.”
“L-Lindsay.”
“I shouldn’t have included him. But like you, I was young then and I have only anger in my heart because of what happened. I was crazy about what you did and all I could think of was to kill him to lose the connection between the two of us.”
“I’m sorry for what I did, Lind.” I never personally apologized to her before. I didn’t talk to him like this because I couldn’t get close to her. “My love for you brought me that’s why I did it. I couldn’t think straight.”
“I have forgiven you, Dale, I have forgiven you because I know that if I continue to be angry with you, I will be the only one who will be in trouble. I’m the only one who will be hurt. When Carlo accepted me again regardless of what happened to me, I forgave you.”
“Why? I killed you and my son because of what I did to you.”
“What happened to your son is not your fault. I killed him not you. I was not a good mother. I shouldn’t have included him because she was innocent but I killed him because I didn’t want him to be a memory of my painful past.”
“Lindsay.”
“But I have forgiven myself. Because I thought there was nothing wrong with what I did and I accepted what I did was right. I don’t want to be unfair and I know that I won’t be a good mother to him. He will only suffer cruelty from me because I can’t accept him and that hurts more. I won’t give him to you either because I don’t want us to have a relationship anyway. I’ll just wait until we meet so I can apologize to him.”
Then she looked at me.
“So forgive yourself, Dale. Forgive yourself for what happened. Move on because you’ve been left behind. I have moved on for a long time. I won a long time ago. If my forgiveness is the only way can move you forward, I will give you my forgiveness. It’s true, Dale, I’ve truly forgiven you because I’m happy with my life with my husband and my children.”
“Lindsay, I really loved you. I did that because I love you.”
“I know, though you proved it the wrong way, I know you loved me. I also know that I am guilty. Because instead of talking to you and accepting you as a friend, I insult you. So I hope you can also forgive the things I said to you, the hurtful things I said.”
“Lindsay. Sorry, Forgive me for everything.” I cried. I did not expect her sudden approach to me. I didn’t even expect her to hug me.
“Move on, Dale. I forgave you a long time ago. And I know baby Dale is happy in heaven to see us today even though he is not with us. I wish you happiness. To feel true joy like I do.”
“Thank you, thank you, Lindsay.” And I cried in her arms.
I WAVED as Lindsay drove away. Dylan is with her and he will take her to the mansion so mommy and daddy can meet. I wanted to come but Dylan said no. Let me prioritize what I have to prioritize. And I know what he wants to convey.
The fool has won again. He went to Aklan to talk to take Lindsay and bring her here. He only did it in one day. It’s a different animal, it’s hard to beat. But somehow the silly thing is useful.
What happened today made me feel lighter. I have been waiting for her forgiveness for a long time. I thought that would never happen again and I felt guilty for her. But she went to me and forgave me.
She is happy and has moved on. Maybe it’s time for me to start moving on. Looks like I need to move on too. I need to start a real life that will make me happy.
I drove home. When I opened the door, three cats immediately greeted me. I loaded them one by one and then sat down and rubbed them. Lalat meowed, then jumped. When I followed her where she went, I saw that she was close to the wedding picture of me and Lauren. She kept meowing and the two also followed her there and meowed too.
“Fine, I’ll call your mom,” I said and they stopped.
I sighed before picking up the cell phone. I hesitated whether to do it or not but in the end, I called. Just a few rings and she answered my call.
“Hi!” I started. But the truth is that my chest does not want to heal from the beating.
[“Hemp?”] Her only answer.
“Are you busy?” That’s just a question.
[“Nope,”]
“Are you with Hendrick?
[“No, we haven’t been together for a week. I want space.”] I secretly smiled because of what she said. I want to assume that she really doesn’t love that guy anymore.
“How are you?”
[“All right. You?”]
“Perfectly good.”
[You called? Do you need anything?”]
“I think the three miss you,” I can tell her that I miss her.Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.
[“I miss them too.”] I smiled again at what she said. Although, I know that we are not ok yet but she talked to me casually.
“Lauren.”
[“Hemp?”]
“I miss you, too.” I didn’t hear anything so I just held my breath. Maybe she’s mad at me. I can’t blame her, I pushed her away and I even fought with her the last time we met. “I’m sorry, I know I have no right to say this but that’s true, I miss you, wife.”
Oh God, I really miss her. I am so damn missing her.
[“Can I go home now? I miss the three.”] I couldn’t get rid of the smile on my lips when I heard that. I want to jump up and go to her.
“Yeah. I’m sure the three will be happy to see you.”
[“I’ll just fix it with my stuff so I can go home.”]
“Want me to pick you?”
[“No need, just prepare for my dinner, and fix the room, I don’t want any dirt in my home when I arrive.”]
“Sure, I’ll take a shower too,” I said jokingly.
[Alright, I’ll fix it.”]
“Ok. Wife?”
[“Oh?”]
“I miss you so damn much, and—–and I love you.” I haven’t heard anything from her.
Damn! I can’t believe I said that but it’s true, I miss her, and yes, I love her. I will tell her every day that I love her and I will never get tired of it. She is not the first, but I’ll promise that she will be my last.
[“I miss you, too——- and I love you more than you’ll ever know.”] And she ended the call without waiting for me to answer. I was tickled because she said. My heart was very happy with what she said.
I will not waste this opportunity. I will make every day special for both of us. I will not let it break us and I will make sure that our marriage becomes a reality. Nothing to lose.