CHAPTER 137: THE NEW KIERAN
By the time I opened my eyes the next morning, I couldn’t find Kieran beside me. He usually woke me with a gentle kiss or the soft murmur of his greetings and morning routine. But he just disappeared.
“Oh well…” I signed and stretched out; my hair fell backward itching my shoulders. I reached for my scrunchie in the bedside drawer but it wasn’t there. As I bent down to check under the bed, my hand brushed against something cold and solid.
“What is this?” I retrieved my hands with the substance. They were pills. My heart skipped. The same small, white capsules I’d given Kieran the night before and the nights before that all piled up under the bed.
“What are they doing here? Oh God Kieran.”
I couldn’t quite place why he had not taken them and most importantly, why he had not told me about it. We were supposed to be a team. But there I was confused as to why he would not take what would relieve him of the pains from the injury and what would make him heal better. Or maybe I was overthinking it and the pain did not bother him.
Throwing on a robe, I moved out of the room, the pills clenched tightly in my hand. I didn’t exactly know where I would find him but I knew he wouldn’t leave the palace. Finally, I found him in the courtyard. He faced the wall.
“Kieran?”? I called out but he didn’t respond.
“Kieran!” I called again.? This time, he turned slowly.
“Clara.”
“There you are,” I said. “What are you doing out here so early?”
He remained silent, “Just… thinking.”
“Thinking about what?” I pressed; my hand reached out to touch his arm.? He flinched away as my hand touched him.
“Nothing important,” he mumbled, avoiding my gaze.
“Those pills,” my voice trembled slightly. “Why didn’t you take them?”
He stiffened, “I don’t need them,” he said curtly.? “The pain is manageable.”
There was something off about the way he spoke to me. I could feel the coldness in his eyes that hadn’t been there before, a distance that felt wide.? “But I gave them to you, for the pain.”
“I said I don’t need them,” he repeated.
I? couldn’t quite understand what was going on.? This wasn’t the Kieran I knew. The Kieran who always listened and trusted me. This man seemed like a stranger. Maybe his near experience with death had changed him, I couldn’t tell.
My eyes felt hot. I could have lashed out and said a lot of things to him but instead, I took a step back.? “Look, Clara,” he began, “If you don’t trust my judgment, then maybe…”
He didn’t finish the sentence. This wasn’t a conversation I could win.? Not right now.? Not with him in this state.
I sighed and turned away, “Never mind,” I mumbled, “Just… get some rest.”
Without another word, I retraced my steps. I just couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong. It was all a mystery that I was going to sort out soon enough.
As the hours went by, Kieran said little to me. It had become like a puzzle staying around him. I didn’t know if it was about what had happened earlier or if there was more to it. His gaze felt distant. He didn’t touch me and barely let my hands rest on him even for a minute.? It was as if a wall had been built between us like an invisible barrier that I couldn’t seem to penetrate.
As soon as it was time for his meds again, I stood there and made sure that he swallowed them this time. He didn’t seem to care that I watched him. He had given up on telling me off even without trying; that was his new habit.
I finally retired to bed. My eyelids felt heavy. It had been a whole day in my head pondering on what could be wrong with Kieran.
I jerked off the bed as I heard a loud groan. I took a glance at the clock, it was midnight.
Sitting up in bed, my heart pounding, I looked around.? Kieran was thrashing in his sleep, sweat clinging to his brow.
“Kieran!” I called out, reaching over to shake his shoulder.? “Wake up!? It’s just a dream.”
His eyes snapped open. He gasped for breath holding his heaving chest, as if he’d been running for his life.? “Clara?”? He called put.
“It’s alright,” I pulled him into a tight embrace.? “You’re alright.? It was just a nightmare.”
He clung to me for a long moment, his body trembling.
“It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream,” I kept repeating the words. Running my hands gently on his back.
Slowly, his breathing became calm and he sank back against the pillows. But I could still see the fear in his eyes.
“What was it? What was the dream about?”? I whispered.
He hesitated; his eyes moved around the room for a moment before landing on me. “I… I can’t remember,” he mumbled.
But I knew that he wasn’t exactly telling the truth. I could hear it in his voice. He remembered.? Whatever it was, it had shaken him leaving him with so much terror.
I knew pushing wouldn’t help.? Right now, he needed comfort. So, I held him close, stroking his hair in a soothing rhythm. Sleep eluded eyes. My mind did not rest. It replayed the events that had been happening. The pills, Kieran’s withdrawn behavior, and now this terrifying nightmare.? It was all so unlike him.
The man I knew was strong and rarely let his guard down.? Now, he seemed vulnerable, almost scared.
Kieran had always been there for me through all the times of my life and now, it was time for me to do the same for me. It was selfish of me to think that he shouldn’t be vulnerable or feel scared sometimes. His warmness in my arms put a smile on my lips. At least he was here with me.Content from NôvelDr(a)ma.Org.
As the first rays of dawn crept through the window, my eyelids finally felt the weight of exhaustion and I finally drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, Kieran seemed somewhat better.? The fear in his eyes had gone. Like it never happened. Although he ate breakfast in silence, picking at his food and somewhat avoiding my gaze. I still didn’t mind.
“I need to go to address the soldiers today,”? he finally said, pushing himself away from the table.? “There are matters that require my attention.”
“Alright, just… be careful,” I mumbled.
He nodded and walked out leaving me all alone in my thoughts. My mind drifted back to what had happened at night, I still heard his voice as he wailed. He was so terrified. I could feel it. He conquered. It was over. I hoped so.
But I was wrong, the following days were just the same. Kieran drew further to himself. He slept restlessly. Every night I would hear the same scream from being haunted by nightmares that left him pale and trembling.? And whenever I tried to ask about them, he would just shut me off. His eyes had become hardened with anger that I didn’t recognize.
Even the doctors had no idea. PTSD was all that made sense to me.
But I knew there was something more. And I was determined to get to the bottom of it.? I just wasn’t sure how.