Forbidden Desire

If there was one thing I regretted in life, it was leaving Jane alone at that mall and taking my mother home. If I hadn’t done that, maybe she wouldn’t have met Jihoon, I wouldn’t have made the mistake of giving in and kissing Jinhee, and maybe now the woman I love wouldn’t be staring at me with her large honey-colored eyes that were so expressive and showed me the depth of her hurt. I didn’t think straight that day, and now a silly mistake that meant nothing to me has come back to haunt me and create more problems between Jane and me.

“Answer me, Jane! How do you know this?”

She shrugged as tears ran down her face, but unlike other times, she made a point of wiping them away immediately.

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters because if Jinhee is poisoning you against me, I want to know.”

She didn’t even let me finish the sentence.

“She didn’t do it on purpose. I overheard her talking to your mother. They didn’t know I was listening.”

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, not even knowing what to say.

“Jane, it was just a kiss.”

“It wasn’t just a kiss, Jason! Don’t lie to me anymore.”

“But I left before anything could happen, Jane. I left because the woman I love is you, and I might have been confused about my feelings at that moment, but I realized it was you I wanted and tried to do the right thing.”

“And that should make me feel better?”

“Jane, I just need you to understand that it was a moment of weakness.”

“And how many more are you going to have?”

“None! I haven’t touched Jinhee since. I can’t believe you’re saying this!”

I was shocked by her accusations, but she seemed too hurt to care.

“And I can’t believe you think our child isn’t yours!”

“But honey, I never said that! I would never think something like that. Jinhee said it was Jihoon’s, but I corrected her right away. I came home because I wanted to hear it from your mouth.”

She paused for a few seconds as if trying to hold back tears, and her trembling voice showed she was failing.

“If you needed to hear it from my mouth, it’s because you doubted.”

“Jane.”

“Just like you probably believed what Jinhee said and think I was in some motel.”

“You came back with different clothes and wet hair, what do you want me to think?”

“For once, I wanted you not to ‘think’ anything. Just once, I wanted you not to jump to conclusions and ask me. If you had asked, you would know I fell into a lake, that’s why my hair is wet.”

“But these things are always happening. One day you’re on the front page of the newspaper kissing him, today you’re coming back with him after spending the whole day away and in this state.”

I pointed at her clothes, and she didn’t seem to want to understand my side.

“You have to trust me, Jason!”

“How can I trust you when the last time I trusted someone, look what happened?”

The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them, but it was too late. She was already staring at me, incredulous.

“Sorry.”

“That’s all I hear from you, but a real apology is a change in behavior, and you never change.”

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She didn’t want to listen and raised her voice at me.

“I’m not Jinhee, Jason!”

“I know.”

I lowered my head because I knew I was wrong and also to escape those sad eyes for a second.

“NO, YOU DON’T KNOW!” she shouted, exasperated.

I stared at her, surprised she had yelled at me, and when I looked, her eyes were full of tears.

“If you knew, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“Sorry, Jane, but it’s hard for me to accept you being so close to a guy who’s in love with you!”

“And you think having your ex here 24/7 poisoning you against me and saying my child isn’t yours is a walk in the park, right, Jason?”

I ran my hand over my face in frustration, seeing this conversation was getting us nowhere.

“What do you want me to do? Her pregnancy is high-risk. I don’t want to lose my child’s pregnancy. If something happens, I’ll feel guilty.”

“Jason, I’m not asking you to do anything with Jinhee, I’m just asking you to try to understand me. Is that so difficult?”

“It is because you don’t understand my side either. I don’t want to see you with this guy anymore! I don’t want him here!”

“Jason, I’m just asking you to trust me.”

“And I’m just asking you to give me confidence. Is it so hard for you to cut ties with this guy?”

“It is!”

Her sharp and direct answer made my blood boil.

“Why? Have you fallen in love with him?”

The silence in the room seemed to scream the answer she was unable to give me. Despite trying to open her mouth to respond several times, nothing came out, and I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until she started talking.

“It’s not that. It’s just that if I need to do this, it’s because you don’t trust what I feel for you. Even though I’ve shown it in every way, even though I’ve forgiven the unforgivable, even though I’ve defended and supported you when no one else did. You still don’t know how much I love you, and if you don’t know that,” her voice broke, and she shrugged, “what’s the point of us being together, Jason?”

I was speechless hearing this question and just stared at her, not realizing my eyes were burning.

“What are you saying, Jane?”

She crossed her arms in front of her body and took a deep breath before looking at the ceiling, trying to hold back the tears without any success.

“I’m saying that this way, we can’t continue.”

An alarm seemed to sound in my mind, and my whole body froze.

“What? You can’t be serious.”

I couldn’t believe what she was saying, and when I realized it, tears were already streaming down my face.

“It happens that I am serious, Jason. What’s the point of us staying together if you have doubts about my love, my fidelity, and even doubt if my child is yours.”

“Damn it, Jane, I don’t doubt my child is mine because I know he is.”

She gave a mocking laugh as if that wasn’t enough.

“But you doubt everything else!”

She said with tears in her eyes while staring at the floor, and I simply couldn’t respond. When she looked back at me, her gaze seemed to overflow with the love she felt for me, and I regretted everything I had said.

“You could doubt anything you wanted, Jason. You could doubt that God exists, that man walked on the moon, that the sun is hot, and that the moon lights our way, but never, never could you doubt the love I feel for you because if it weren’t for it, I wouldn’t be here having this conversation.”

I could see how sincere she was, and that completely melted me. Her trembling voice, her eyes full of tears, and her slightly reddened face from crying made me certain of how much she loved me. I took a step towards her, trying to get closer, but she raised a hand signaling me not to.

“You’re right! I’m sorry!”

She shook her head, and my heart ached.

“No, Jason. Since I met you, I’ve been giving myself to you entirely so easily. My love, my body, my forgiveness. Everything has been so easy for you that you simply don’t value it. You use your apologies like a band-aid as if it heals everything, but it doesn’t, Jason.”

“What do you want me to do then? I’ll do anything!”

“You always say that, Jason.”

I approached her despite her reluctance and tried to kiss her, but she pushed me away.

“No, Jason, you can’t fix everything like this.”

“Jane, I love you!”

“Then love me for real, Jason! A complete love, with trust and complicity. You can’t say ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ as if you were saying ‘Good morning’! I want you to apologize, yes, Jason, but only when you truly realize how wrong you are, how much you’re hurting me, and when you really believe in me. When you really regret it, then yes. For the last time, I will forgive you, but as long as you distrust me and what I feel for you, please, leave me alone. Because this hurts too much, and I need time to heal. This is the last chance I’m giving you, please use it wisely.”

I watched her move away from me towards the bathroom, and every cell in my body wanted to follow her to make things right, but she was right, maybe I also needed time to sort things out. I heard the shower turn on and decided to leave the room before I couldn’t resist and ended up going into that bathroom to try to fix everything the wrong way again. I went downstairs and saw Jinhee sitting in the living room reading a pregnancy magazine. I was going to walk past her until she decided to pour some of her venom.

“What excuse did she give this time?”

I could see the mocking smile on her face, and all my frustration seemed to come to the surface. I approached her, taking the magazine she was reading and throwing it away.

“She didn’t give me any excuse because unlike you, she’s not wrong, she’s not cheating on me like you did during the two years we were married! She just told the truth, and the only one wrong here is me for falling for the things you say!”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“You always do, Jinhee. You keep doing things to turn me against Jane and vice versa.”

“Jason, are you blaming me because I said out loud everything you also think?”

I was silent, and she gave a slight smile.

“See? You don’t trust her!”

“I don’t trust anyone BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU MESSED UP MY HEAD SO MUCH WITH ALL YOUR LIES AND CHEATING THAT I’M AFRAID EVERYONE IS AS BAD AS YOU!”