Hot Night With My Professor

“Now, you say, is it just your body that I’m after?”

He walked towards me. Using the red wine glass, he lifted my chin so he could catch my hidden gaze. My heart beats fast. I was just staring at him, but why did he seem to be hypnotizing me to prepare an answer because he would no longer accept any warning words or rude answers.

“I don’t know.” I averted my gaze and tried to find some good words that wouldn’t offend him, but I guess I’m built like this, so any words coming out of my mouth will be hurtful. “If you brought me here to sleep, then I will sleep.”

I noticed his sigh. He probably didn’t think I would avoid his question.

“Alright, we can talk another time. You rest for now,” he surrendered. I can see in his eyes the hopes that are now fading away because I refuse to talk about what he wants.

He got some clothes before finally going out to go to the side of the pool. I can see him from the bed I’m sitting on because the division of the penthouse is a glass barrier. He was sitting under a large umbrella and reading a white book.

I didn’t realize I fell asleep watching him.

*****

I just woke up, and the sun wasn’t that high anymore. I immediately got up from lying down without seeing Ismael. Shit. I slept too long. What time is it? I checked the clock on the side table, and it was past four in the afternoon.

How about the camping?

I looked for Ismael all over the penthouse, but I couldn’t find him. I walked around the entire house, but I could not see even his shadow. Did he leave me? Where did he go? Is he sulking because I put myself to sleep?

I almost mastered the place because of the search for him, but I didn’t see Ismael. I went back outside again, where even if I was barefoot, my feet wouldn’t get dirty because of the bermuda grass that lined the floor. I immediately forgot about looking for Ismael. In fairness, the air here in his penthouse is nice, and the view is beautiful because I can clearly see the breathtaking buildings surrounding us. So, this is what Lourdez City looks like from above.

I also walked to that big grass field on the right side that can run because of its width. How big is Ismael’s penthouse?

I looked at the entire house and was just stunned to see that it had two more floors than the one I was stepping on. There are also rooms upstairs and terraces where you can hang out. I cannot believe it. Is he sure it’s just him alone? A soccer team fits here.

That’s when I realized that there was a small pool on the right side, while there was a big pool on the left side, where Ismael was hanging out earlier. I went there again and sat in his seat. I noticed the book on the side table, so out of curiosity, I took a look at it.

“It Didn’t Start With You,” I read in the title of the white book, with a drawing of two faces facing each other. “How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are And How To End The Cycle,” I added.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

My forehead wrinkled. Why is Ismael reading this?

“You’re awake.”

I was surprised when I heard Ismael’s voice, so I accidentally dropped the book.

“No, no, no, no, no!” I screamed in panic, but it fell completely into the pool. Shit. What stupidity is this?

I immediately took it back to me, but I couldn’t reach it because the water had blown it too far away. I just noticed Ismael’s hand and arm reaching out for me.

I was sad to see that the book he was reading earlier was wet. I couldn’t even look at Ismael because of the shame of what I had done. “Sorry…”

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

I glanced at him. He was looking at the book he was holding, and now he couldn’t open it properly because when he opened it, the pages were already worn out. I felt so much regret. I feel so guilty for what I have done. What will I do? I saw him reading carefully earlier, and now I destroy his book. Even though I know he can afford a new one, that’s no reason not to appreciate something.

“Sorry, Ismael,” I said, as tears welled up in my eyes. “I am sorry for what I have done.”

“I said, It’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” he answered without looking at me. Is he angry that he doesn’t glance at me? What is this failure of mine? Why did it even reach Ismael’s penthouse? I can only do good work whenever I sleep. Everything is pure perversion to him.

“I’m so sorry,” I continued, apologizing to him. The pain is gnawing at my nose because I’m holding back my tears. “What are you even sorry for? I told you it was nothing.” “If it’s nothing, why aren’t you looking at me? Are you trying to hide that you’re mad?” I asked. “No, I’m not… I promised.” He glanced into my eyes for a moment before returning his gaze to the book. “Then, why aren’t you looking at me?” “Because I…” He closed the book and met my eyes, which had been begging him to look. “I am collecting all of my strength to look at you because I know the moment it lands on you, I will feel weak. Your eyes always make me surrender.” He is right. Whenever he looks at me, I feel strong. I feel like he’s giving all his energy to me. He’s the biggest source of my strength, which makes me believe I was never weak. “Ismael…” I called his name. “Hmm?” “I’m sorry for having a rude mouth and always hurting you with my words when all you did was shower me with words of peace and comfort,” I whispered in a deep sense of apology that I wished to convey. His eyes shone, and a sweet smile flashed at me. Now, I’m forgiven. I know I am. “Did you hit your head or something while you were sleeping?” He knocked my head softly as if he couldn’t believe the words that came out of my mouth. My heart immediately melted at how quickly he forgave. How could I hurt someone like him who did nothing but take care of me? I shook my head while not letting go of our long gaze. “And I’m sorry for slapping you last time,” I added while caressing his cheek. “I am sorry for getting mad at you, even at the casino.” All the bad things I did to him come back to my memory. Pure pain. I don’t know which one is the reason why he likes me because I can’t see anything. “I was so childish, warfreak, and immature. That was my initial response when I saw you with another woman. I felt betrayed. I thought you liked me, but then some issues about your dating have arisen. I thought you lied to me. Did you lie to me?” I asked, full of pleading, hoping that his answer would not be yes. He shook his head and grabbed my hand that was holding his cheek. “I never lied to you. What I told you was the truth. I like you. Even now, I like you even more.” He faced me. He touched both of my cheeks as if telling me to look him in the eye so I could prove what he was saying was true. “Then can I ask, who is she? Why are you with her? I see you with her every time,” I asked. My heart was pounding, and I wanted to cry. I feel very jealous, even though I shouldn’t. I’ve never had to ask a question like this-not even to my family. I don’t ask because I feel I have no right. And now that I’m doing it with Ismael, I can’t help but be nervous. I am so afraid to be rejected, which is why I don’t have the courage to ask. He tightened his grip on me. I didn’t think he wouldn’t question my right to ask. He’s here, trying to explain himself when he didn’t do anything. “Those issues that are circling around-it wasn’t true, Jothea. She’s my younger sister-Isa.” [*Pronounce as aysa] I was amazed at what he admitted. Then, am I wrong? I slapped a professor just because of a piece of gossip that turned out not to be true. The shame I feel in my heart reaches heaven. I could no longer look into Ismael’s eyes. I’m shrinking. How could I do that? Where did I get the courage to slap him and continue to insult him in front of many people? Why am I like this? Why is my behavior this bad? I couldn’t help but cry. I feel so ashamed of myself. Disappointed. I want to cut off my hand for what I did to him. This guy-all he did for me was help me and take care of me-and just because of the negative issues about him, I got swayed and doubted all of the good deeds he did for me. What kind of human being am I? I am the worst. It was my fault, but I still had the courage to speak hurtful words to him from there in the casino to here in his home. I have nothing, and he has, but he still seems to be asking from me. I am the worst. I don’t deserve his kindness, not even his feelings.

I feel terribly guilty.

“She’s my reason why I wanted to teach at Marcus, Jothea. I want to watch over her because, like you, she’s also very stubborn. She never listens to me. She also has her own decisions in life, and the majority there can’t be trusted,” he explained.

“I’m so sorry, Ismael… I am really, really sorry,” I apologized. If only time could turn back by a single sorry, but no, it didn’t. And I feel that one, two, or many more apologies are not enough for me to forgive myself for what I have done. He gently wiped my tears while observing my sad eyes. “I know, but I understand. I am not that mad now since you became so honest with your feelings. Now I understand why you slapped me that day and even hated me. You felt jealous, weren’t you?” I nodded. “I did, even though I wasn’t in the position. I am really sorry.” My tears keep falling. He caressed my head as if he were trying to make me feel better. “Jealousy is normal, but you have no reason to be so. It is you who I like, Jothea. Haven’t I emphasized it before?” I nodded again. He did. He always did. I’m just too stupid not to see that he means everything he does for me. He pulled me in for a hug. I feel his warm body melt my cold heart. His patience with me is strange. I don’t know where he pulls it off to forgive me so quickly. “I’m really sorry…” I said. I don’t know what else to say other than to apologize. I feel so heavy for him. I am the one who feels sorry for him because of me. I seem to have many sins. And I want his heart to feel that I am sorry for what I did. “I will not do it, Ismael.” I hugged him and continued to sob. His body just caught me as he helped me get it all out by crying. He doesn’t let me stop. “It’s okay to get mad, Jothea, but don’t let your anger eat your kindness. If something bothers you, you’re free to ask me or even confront me. Every question of yours will be honestly answered.” He caressed my back while still hugging me. His hand was warm, full of care and caution. “You can get mad at me, and I won’t fight back.” My eyes are now clouded with tears, tears that every drop is offering to this guy in front of me. He already told me before that he doesn’t even deserve a single tear, but every time I get to see him, I always cry. It was as if he were my crying shoulder. My protector. Even if I get to show him my weakness, he’ll be my strength and armor. “You don’t have to hide your feelings. You don’t have to be strong when you’re with me. I am not your enemy, Jothea.” I was wrong to treat him as my enemy before. I always fight with him. I was really mad at his existence and wanted him to vanish, but here he is, helping me to live more. “I understand how you feel,” he added. “I will always understand you.” I gave up hugging him to look at him. I couldn’t believe that I would meet such a nice man and such a good person. He kissed my forehead and whispered something again but this time, I heard it. “I’m starting to love you, Jothea.”