Pleasure Unbound

I hear my breath first.

Not the beat of my heart.

Just the ragged, stuttered rasp as I breathe in and then the uncertainty in it as I exhale.

My heart is quiet. Frozen with fear. Silenced by the unknown.

I’m concentrating, trying so hard to not move-to pretend to be asleep so that whoever did this to me still thinks I still am. I’m so focused on not moving that for a moment I don’t register the pressure on my eyes, don’t realize I’m blindfolded.

My thoughts scatter.

The only one I can grab onto is about the drink from the bar. The one the brown-eyed man bought for me. Then blacking out in the alley. Now feeling completely different than a hangover. The inability to think, to grasp complete thoughts tells me my mind has been altered. That I’ve been drugged.

My head is still in a haze of chemicals, but it recognizes one thing and one thing only-fear. Empty, panicked shouts ricochet around in my brain but cannot escape, cannot manifest themselves into a scream.

The bed beneath me is luxuriously comfortable. The thought flashes through my head, and I struggle to comprehend why amid my chaotic emotions my mind picks to think about this, to concentrate on this.

But I cling to the thought and hold onto something tangible to fixate on rather than the unknown that surrounds me.

My mouth is dry and my jaw feels ore, and tired. I struggle and break through the fog momentarily, then frantically dive back under when thoughts connect, synapses fire, and realization hits. Something is lodged between my front teeth. I’m bound and gagged. Fear mixes with anxiety as my mind emerges from the haze. I immediately move my hands to remove it and realize I can’t. My arms are stretched out at my sides and restrained at my wrists, as are my legs.

A gentle strain on them from an unforgiving hold.

My heart thaws only to be overtaken by a new sensation.

Terror.

Unfettered panic begins to reign. Body-wracking tremors attack my limbs as I begin to struggle, fear owning me, the need to escape overwhelming me. I try to yell for help but all that comes out is a muffled sound as I thrash my head back and forth. I buck and writhe my body, my head still groggy but my body on high alert, consumed with the unknown and the never-ending darkness I see. I struggle to breathe and to think, but all I can focus on is that I’ve been kidnapped. That I’m going to be raped, killed, and who knows what the hell else, but I’ve watched enough true crime television shows to know what happens to women in situations like this.

I struggle again, yanking against the restraints with all my might. The only results I have to show for my efforts are aching joints and muscles screaming just as loud as the despair in my soul.

Nothing gives.

Nothing gives except for my first strands of hope.

A tear leaks out. I wait for the feel of it sliding down my cheek, but it doesn’t because it’s absorbed immediately by the cloth covering my eyes. I attempt to swallow and gag on the bile wanting to escape, just like I do. I try to calm myself down, flee the mind-numbing fear that takes hold but I can’t. Not only have I been taken and held against my will, but so has my most important sense: my sight.

No one knows I’m here, wherever here is. Not a single soul.

Oh fuck!

It hits me-the direness of the situation and slams into me head-on.

The tears flow uncontrollably now, my body jarring from the vigor of my sobs. Hopelessness sets in momentarily. And then I get pissed. Pissed at myself for giving up when nothing’s happened yet. I try to calm down and attempt to tell myself there is a rational explanation for all of this. That this is all a mistake, a misunderstanding.

And then the hysteria bubbles up and its laughter catches in my throat as I realize how dumb that sounds. A misunderstanding? My laughter ceases immediately, my mind unable to pick one thing and focus on it.

And then I do.

The boys.

Oh god. My boys. Will I ever see them again? Will I ever hear their laughs and smell the scent of dirt against their skin after a T-ball game? Hear their deep belly laughs? Feel their pudgy hands on my cheeks as they tell me they love me.

My breath comes faster. Hard, sharp draws of air as I try to shove the sheer panic down, try to lock it up so I don’t draw those beautiful little souls into the abyss of darkness that I’m in.

Despair is overtaken by resolve and the will to fight-to survive whatever it is that is going to happen to me-rides shotgun right along with it. I buck and struggle against my restraints, the cool sheets on the bed beneath me growing warm with my defiance. Nothing budges. Absolutely nothing. My head hurts and my stomach churns. Defeat settles over me as I try to calm myself, gather my wits, and figure out what to do next.

And then I hear a sound.

The creak of the floor as if someone is shifting their weight and I freeze; my breath, my heart, and my body stop, but my mind races.Còntens bel0ngs to Nô(v)elDr/a/ma.Org

The floor warns of movement again, and I force a swallow down my throat. The fear is still there running rampant, but it’s the anticipation now that kills me. The need to know who is there, what he’s doing, what he’s planning on doing to me. So many scenarios flicker and flash and none of them are welcome.

I flinch violently when I feel the warmth of his breath against my cheek and smell the peppermint again. He’s close, inches from me, and my skin breaks out in goosebumps, the chill coming from the inside. I strain to listen and without my sight, I have nothing to rely on, which causes every single one of my senses to be amplified. And it’s this hypersensitivity that allows me to feel the chills race across my flesh, that allows me to realize what I couldn’t before in my fear-induced panic.

I’m naked.

Completely naked except for my blindfold, my gag, and my restraints.

I try to hold back the sob as his breath continues to heat my cheek, and I attempt to get a handle on the terror, but I fail miserably. I sob as I think again that I’m about to be raped. Raped and I don’t know what else.

Then what? My kids. Anderson. Oh my God. Oh my God.