Surrender Your Sensations

“Focus on more important things, Meredith Kaye,” I said to myself before glancing at my study desk to see where my checklist was.

I was suddenly reminded of my upcoming general executive check-up. I sat in my study chair before taking my checklist. It contained the things my doctor said I needed to observe on my own after my last check-up last month.

I smiled. So far, based on my checklist, things were going smoothly about my condition. I feel no fatigue, my vitals were doing good according to my mini check-ups at the university clinic, and my maintenance medications really helped. Also, there’s no swollen portion on my breast.

That’s right. I had nothing to worry about. I shouldn’t be scared. That check-up was like my other previous one. The checkup results would be okay.

I bit my bottom lip before I put the checklist back on my desk. I quickly got up and stood in front of  the full-length mirror in the middle of the two beds inside the room. I took off my shirt. Immediately, my gaze went to my chest.

I heaved a deep sigh before raising my left arm. Using my right hand, I massaged my left breast just like how my therapist taught me. I felt it, trying to feel any swollen part – if there was a lump. I did the same thing to my right chest.

And I was stunned.

“No,” I murmured, when I felt some circular lump in my right breast. I swallowed before pressing the swollen part to make sure I was feeling a lump.

My raised right arm immediately fell down when I confirmed that there was a lump in my chest. I could be wrong. But then … I couldn’t stop the fear … and the tears.

My tears instantly fell as I looked at my own reflection in the mirror. No. I don’t want to be in that situation again.

My hands began to tremble as the tears continued to fell. The fear I was trying to hide tripled. I covered my mouth before slowly sitting down on the bedroom floor.

“Please … No …”

I let myself cry and cry. There’s no confirmation yet but I had a bad feeling about it.

I hugged myself while crying. I ‘m scared. I am so scared.

I was in that position for a few minutes before I heard my phone ringing. I forced myself to get up from the floor to get it out of my bag. I didn’t bother to wear my shirt and I lay on my bed. I answered the phone, not looking at the screen.

| Hello. |

“Papa …” I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from sobbing, when I realized who called me. It was my dad.

| Are you okay? |

I closed my eyes before hugging the pillow by my side. I had to bite the pillow to suppress my sobs and be heard on the other line. This was what I was scared the most- for my father to be in the same heartbreaking situation again, for the third time.

| My daughter? Are you okay? Did something happen? |

My father really knew when things got bad in my life. I was feeling guilty for being this sick and burdening him like this.

“It’s okay.” I heaved a deep sigh. “I am okay.” I tried my hardest for my voice to not shake. I succeeded and yet tears just kept on falling

| Edith… You’re not okay. I could feel it, my child. |

That was when I could not hold it anymore. My loud sobs escaped my trembling lips. There were tears one after another and I cried like a child while Dad was on the other line. He didn’t say a word but I could feel it- he was also in pain.

“Dad … I’m scared … I’m scared.”

The next thing I heard broke my heart into a thousand pieces; it was my father’s sobs.

***

I was dumbfounded for a few minutes while standing in front of the mirror. My eyes were tired and the black bags under them proved it. My lips were pale and my arms and legs felt weak. Morning came and I had to attend my classes. However, I didn’t have the will to leave my room.

There was no confirmation yet but I couldn’t get rid of the fear and nervousness. Suddenly, I dreaded the day of my coming check-up. What if my test results didn’t come out good? What if … If my cancer comes back?

I was in a deep haze, about to drown with my own paranoias and fears, when my alarm rang. I immediately picked up my phone and turned it off. The alarm was for my vitamins.Còntens bel0ngs to Nô(v)elDr/a/ma.Org

I tightened my grip on my phone before gasping for breath. I took the bottle of vitamins on top of my desk. I took a tablet. Instead of drinking it, I stared at the tablet in my hand. My teeth gritted with the possibility that my cancer came back again.

What’s the point of those two years that I tried to live a healthy life? It would all go to waste if my cancer would come back despite my precautions.

“Bullshit,” I murmured, before throwing the vitamin tablet to my trash can. I took another deep breath before grabbing my bag.

I left my room to go to school. I was definitely not in the best condition. I was definitely lost.

It’s really true what they said, when something good happened to you, something bad would come as a return of the good things. Because life always takes more than what it gives. What an ironic reality.

“Bullshit. Really bullshit.”

I didn’t know how many times I had already said the same word. But right now, it felt like life was fucking with me again. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if I would be actually diagnosed again with cancer. I didn’t want to be in that same situation.

Also, I couldn’t let my debate opportunity go again because of the same reason.

“Argh. This is really bullshit! Shit. Shit. Sh-” I almost fell to my feet in shock the moment I came out of my room. I didn’t expect the scene that would greet me, first thing in the morning. “Rupert?” My gaze went on the bouquet lying on the cold floor of my dorm’s hallway.

Next to the bouquet was a man sitting while hugging his knees against his chest. His face was buried on his knees and he was obviously asleep because I could still hear him snoring.

Wait? Don’t tell me, he waited here? All night?

“Rupert? Is that you?” I crouched across from him and then shook him slightly.

He groaned before he raised his face. The shiny metal ring on his lips confirmed his identity. “Meredith, I’m sorry.”

I was stunned for a while before I smiled at him. I didn’t know what happened but seeing him now somehow calmed the storm inside me. I was able to smile despite what I was thinking now.

Rupert being here somehow lifted some of my worries.

“What are you sorry for?”

I thought he would bow down again like last night. But no. His face leaned forward until I could see him-eye-to-eye. There and then, I saw the regrets and genuine sorry in his eyes.

“I’m sorry for what I told you yesterday. That’s wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten carried away by my emotions. I won’t do it again.”

“Promise?”

“I won’t promise. But if I make the same mistake again, I won’t get tired of saying sorry until you forgive me.”

There it was again… The abnormal beating of my heart every time he looked at me this way- his eyes were showing emotions I couldn’t discern.

He’s confusing me … But in a warm way.

“You sure know what to say to be forgiven,” I said, standing up. I reached out my hand to help him stand up.

He stared at it for a few seconds before gasping for breath. I frowned when he didn’t take my hand instead he put the bouquet of flowers there. “The flowers withered already. I’m sorry. I’ll just buy you another bouquet again later,” he said and I laughed.

“You sure are persistent,” I told him, taking the flowers. It’s a bit withered but it’s still beautiful. “Thank you for the flowers.”

“Thank you for forgiving me.” He sighed “Are we good now?”

“I already took the flower, didn’t I?”

“Really?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. If you don’t believe it then I will take back my forgiveness,” I teased him.

“Of course, we’re okay now? Who said we’re not?,” Rupert said, standing up from the floor.

He was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. I shook my head. “I thought you left yesterday when I left you in the lobby.”

“I can’t leave like that,” he said, leaning on my room’s door, “not when you’re angry at me.”

I was stunned by what he said. I felt something weird in my stomach because of what he said. He really has an effect on me.

“I see. Let’s go. I need to attend a class and you,” I looked at him in disgust, “you need to go home to change clothes.” I was about to walk when I was stopped by Rupert’s sudden question.

“Are you okay, Meredith? Is everything okay?”

I turned to him. He was still leaning against the door of my room. “What do you mean?”

“Last night … I heard your sobs. You were crying.”

My mouth fell open. Gradually, the fake smile disappeared from my lips.

“I was outside your room the whole night, Meredith. You only stopped crying at one AM. What happened? Was it because of what I did yesterday?” Rupert took a few steps towards me. When we were just a foot away from each other, he cupped my face with his hands. “Did I make you cry?”

I took a deep breath and leaned my cheek against the heat from his palm. Spontaneously, my arms wrapped around his waist. “Yeah. I was crying because of you,” I lied.

“Sorry, Meredith. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

I stepped closer to him while tightening my arms around his waist. I buried my face on his chest and started crying again.

I felt him hug me back while repeatedly saying his sorry.

It’s wrong to lie … But there were instances that it’s better to do it than to say a painful truth.