At a loss
Nikolai’s POV
I couldn’t explain exactly what was going on, it felt like I was going crazy. I still couldn’t believe that I hadn’t been making any progress in getting my revenge. I was shocked, confused, and for some reason, angry…
It was as though the anger began to manifest as soon as I acknowledged the fact that I was angry. I refused to accept that it was my fault. It wasn’t… it couldn’t be. I had been alert and focused. Why did she have to be there at the festival? Why did she have to get mixed into the crowd, and worse still behind the very woman I had planned on abducting. This was her fault. Not sure where I was going, I made my way to where she was.
As I swung the door of her room open and walked in, my brows furrowed in confusion. She was nowhere to be found. I moved toward the bathroom to check and that’s when I saw her. She lay crumpled on the bathroom floor, her eyes half-open and her breathing shallow.
As soon as her eyes met mine, she let out a strangled cry, jerking and pushing herself away from me and further into the bathroom.
“No, no, please!” She screamed, scrambling deeper into the wall. “J-just leave me alone!!”
I watched her eyes moisten and begin to spill over as she struggled to breathe, placing a hand over her chest as though she were in physical pain. But still she continued to yell, sinking harder into the bathroom till there was nowhere else to go.
I stared on in disbelief. I could see the pure horror in her eyes as she shook from head to toe, her face soaked in sweat and tears as she raised her fists to her face, yelling for me to back away.
And that’s when I felt the sting in my chest.
She was scared of me. She was terrified, like you would be of a monster. I saw the pain and terror on her face, and the dull pain in my chest resurfaced when all that came to my mind was Elle.
Elle being manhandled and dragged from the car, Elle being molested and tied to a tree. Elle taken advantage of, over and over again, by a group of monsters.
A group of monsters. That’s what terrified people. That’s what put such terror in their eyes… what scared them to a point where they felt so helpless that all they could do was scream and cry. For help that never came.
I could feel myself stagger backwards. I was one of them now. A cold, heartless monster. I tried to recall how all of this had happened, how I had consciously let myself slip into this pool of self destruction. And I couldn’t remember…
I felt something sting the back of my eyes and my hands shook. What had I done? What had I become?
With every piercing scream that escaped her quivering lips, my heart clenched a little tighter, and I could feel it all the way to the tip of my toes. She didn’t stop. She didn’t care. She just wanted me away from her.
I watched the mess of emotions and trauma I had unconsciously created begin to unfold before my eyes, and all I felt in that moment was regret and remorse. As I looked into those swollen eyes and tearstained face, I knew in that moment that I would give anything to reverse all of it. The mistake, the damage, every single thing.
I had never felt so much anguish… so much pain, directed at myself. It was like I didn’t even know myself anymore. The sting in the back of my eyes tore stronger at me, and without knowing exactly what the plan was, I moved forward, gently pulling her balled fists away from her face, and pulled her into a firm embrace.
“NO!! Please, please, stay away!” She yelled, repeatedly ramming her fists to my chest and pushing backwards as she struggled to escape my grip.
But I didn’t let her go. I wouldn’t…
I tightened my hold on her as she audibly sucked in one sharp breath, and then completely broke down in my arms.
I didn’t let her go when she landed one last weak blow to my chest, her shoulders wracking with sobs as she convulsed in a pool of tears.
I didn’t let her go when I heard her let out the most broken cry I had ever heard, her head bobbing as her tears soaked through my shirt.
“I’m tired! I’m so tired!! I-I have never, ever done anything to deserve this!” Her voice was muffled as she pulled away from me with every sentence, the tears falling in torrents.
But I still wouldn’t let her go.
I steadily began to rock her back and forth, trying to ignore and holding back the unexplainable tears that had begun to form at the back of my eyes. I continued this motion until her sobbing gradually became a whimper.Property of Nô)(velDr(a)ma.Org.
Carefully, I pulled her off her feet and into my arms, careful not to bump into anything as I walked out of the room and down the hall. When I finally found the room I was looking for, I slowly eased in and placed her gently on the bed.
As I looked at her small form sprawled on the bed, I realized that I had never seen anyone so broken.
And it was all me. It was all my fault. I was at a loss of what to do… where to begin.
All I could do was stare down at her and let disappointment wash over me as it dawned on me just how much of a failure I had become.
As I saw her eyelids finally droop from exhaustion, I waited a few moments to make sure that she was alive and breathing.
With nothing else left to do, I stumbled out of the room, my chest heavier than it had ever been.