shuhaige
Chapter 36
Chapter 36
I am rather taken aback that he feels like he owes me an apology when he really does seem like a guy who never would. I misbehaved and he punished me. It’s not often men like that ever think they did something wrong, even if I think he did. © 2024 Nôv/el/Dram/a.Org.
Although his little surprising statement makes me feel remorse about this morning too, the way I acted and you know? Throwing grilled cheese. I bite on my lip and sigh at him. I guess the sex chat is obsolete and doesn’t seem to be included in his apology, even though it’s what started my little tantrum, and I should just be the adult I pretended to be last night and forget we even had sex at all.
‘‘I shouldn’t have thrown your food at you, and I apologise for ruining your clothes.’’ It’s genuine anyway, even if I sound stilted and sarcastic when I say it. Those were nice trousers and I doubt cheese grease comes out of expensive fabrics without a lot of effort. He’s playing nice, whether it’s a ploy or a game I just don’t know anymore. I have given up trying to understand or read him or evaluate his motives anymore, it all just makes me so goddamn tired.
‘’You need to stop pushing my buttons, stop making me crazy … I lose focus and shit like this happens.’’ He nods towards the door and I frown. Exhausted by the man and I just can’t function anymore.
His world, his rules, his overbearing presence when he’s here, I never knew that walking into Carrero’s kingdom would be such a mind destroyer of epic proportions. I used to be in control of every aspect of my life and no one got close or got to me. Everything, up until Tyler, was manoeuvred to be on my terms, but Alexi just strips you naked, twists you up and then spits you out. Since I met him I feel like all I do is over feel everything and make dumb choices.
‘‘I don’t understand … How does you and me being at war make tonight happen?’’ Alexi laughs disbelievingly and shakes his head at me like I’m completely naïve sometimes, and it just infuriates me. He sometimes still treats me like a brainless bimbo with no concept of how things work.
‘’You’re clueless, London, let me school you on the goings on in that room tonight.’’ He pushes off the bar and walks around the desk to sit against the edge in front of me so he’s a lot closer and gets comfy. Watching me like a hawk and devouring me with his eyes. I’m way too tired to deal with all the shitty feelings coursing through me and stare at the clock on his desk instead. Intimidated by his presence, still stinging from being humiliated earlier, and I cannot believe it’s still the same day. It feels like weeks ago now.
‘‘I got sloppy, I was watching you—preoccupied … thinking about this morning, pissed at Gino; being a little too interested in both of you and Santagato saw it. He was testing the waters, honing in on what he considers was a glimpse of a weakness. I fucked up and let him see that I give a shit, that’s why he made a play.’’
That’s a revelation and I clamp my mouth shut when words attempt to spill out, my brain going into overdrive.
‘‘I just gave him a weapon, he has an angle, something he thinks he can use against me if he needs to.’’ Alexi sighs. I am so tired of games and all this underhanded, backhanded manipulation of this world. Alexi the mastermind and all the complication that comes with it.
I wonder what normal men and women do with their time if it’s not steeped in devious plans and upper hands.
‘’I don’t understand … why didn’t you just let him have me? Save yourself all of this, if it’s that important, just let him do me and be done.’’ I get up and go to move away from his stifling presence, but he catches my wrist and pulls me back, cupping my face with his hand, and guides me close. I catch my breath, surprised with the gentle manoeuvre, and literally fall still, lungs ceasing to move with the unexpectedness of this.
‘’He would have taken you back in that room and not stopped from where I left off, I couldn’t have stood there and let him.’’ He angles his face and for a moment I swear he’s going to kiss me.
‘’I see.’’ It sounds stilted and alien, my body trembling subtly with the intimacy of this pose, and he just gazes at me for another long moment, barely moving and infuriatingly unreadable and blank.
‘‘I take care of my own. You gave me boundaries and it’s my job to make sure they are upheld.’’
I did? When?
When I begged him not to hurt me and not do this. Even while he wanted to punish me, he stopped because I said no. He stopped because of my reaction to being tied up in that room and let me go without taking it further. A hint of something more in that chest than a hollow space where a heart should be? Or just another manipulation move to get information out of me?
That’s what I can never tell anymore, like right now. Softness when I think he’s a bastard, and yet he has a way of cajoling me and getting what he wants out of me when it appears. I should never trust him, as he always has a motive to go with each of his behaviours.
Alexi is so fucking complex. A control freak who adheres to boundaries? Even in anger? He makes no sense to me.
‘‘So, what now?’’ I want him to let go of me as he’s making me feel uptight, claustrophobic and vulnerable, but at the same time his touch is soothing and familiar, and I don’t want him to let go of me. He makes me so indecisive and confused all the time, and it just adds to the head mess he causes me.
Alexi’s eyes drop to my mouth and again I get the vibe he is contemplating kissing me. I don’t know if I want him to, but a part of me needs it, for this morning and for last night. It doesn’t even make sense to me anymore, but now I have tasted him there’s a craving to do it again. I want him to wipe away how
he made me feel in that room and go back to the softness of the man who had sex with me on the couch instead. My insecure pathetic side craving an affection, so I can forgive how he was to me.
I need therapy.
‘’I think I should move you elsewhere for a while, away from the club, make it look like you’re gone. Discarded, like I lost interest.’’ He goes back to his serious expression and serious tone. The warmth dropping from his voice and I literally feel the change in air temperature as it cools instantly. Letting me go abruptly and wandering away to perch back against the desk nearer the front.
‘‘Wait, what?’’ That’s not the answer I expected, and I blink at him. ‘’This is where I belong! Where I’m putting in the hours and the work and paying off my debt to you, where else would I go?’’ I’m panicking, unsure how else to take this and my head's going around in circles. I wanted to be free of him and now he’s giving me the option, I don’t. I want to explore more of the hints and glimpses of someone else in him.
I slump down into the desk chair beside me and plank my hands on the arms as though visibly telling him I am not going to be removed from this club.
What the hell is with my brain?
‘’I have other places, other properties and other businesses. I could use you anywhere I want and let this blow over.’’ Alexi has a look of determination on his face. He’s not kidding.
‘‘Such as where?’’ I sound as desperate as I feel, and all I can think about is will I still see him the way I do now? Once or twice a week and most weekends. If he sends me elsewhere will he even care to come and see me anymore, or will I disappear into the depths of his empire? It’s stupid and dumb to even contemplate, considering I hate him with a passion, but I don’t want to not see him. It knocks me for six because I have NEVER wanted any sort of connection to another human in my life. I abhor
people and keep everyone at arm’s length, and up until twenty minutes ago I fucking hated him too! I am so fucked up.
‘’The Hamptons for a while, I have a house there, you can lie low while I figure something else out. He would never think of looking for you there.’’ ‘’Wait, lie low? I thought you wanted to just put me out of temptations way?’’ My voice is an octave higher, making my panic obvious, but he doesn’t seem to care. Alexi turns to lock eyes on me in a completely serious expression as though I do not really understand this situation at all. ‘’What do you think Santagato will do with something he knows is a possible weakness to me? I’m not talking about groping you in the club, Camilla; I’m talking about taking you from the street and brutalising you to within an inch of your life to get a rise out of me first chance he gets. Our families may be amicable but domination in this business is everything. We have a turf war and any break in my strength is a plus for him. Distract me and I lose my edge … he knows this.’’
My blood runs cold as it hits home exactly what being connected to someone like Alexi really means. I’m a walking target and up until now his disinterest in me was my armour. He showed the wrong person that I am under his skin and now I’m a weapon. Whether he cares about me or not, they believe he does and that means I can be used. They view me as an Achilles heel even if they are way off the mark and I feel sick to my stomach as it hits home just how much danger I am in.